There is a lot I claim to know that I actually make up: How to pick up women; how you should have sex; how I should have sex. It?s all incoherent half-thoughts that I dribble onto internet paper and expect you take as gospel.
(Do not stop taking what I say as gospel.)
However, there is one aspect of life that I am well-versed in, where I can truly contribute to the conversation utilizing real, first-hand knowledge.
Two of my past three roommates were women. Each time it was a one-on-one situation, just me and a female. I wasn?t sexing them good on the reg (or ever) but I basically lived the life of a domesticated, cohabiting gentleman. I?ve been watching, observing and taking notes all along. Which is why, despite being single, I can present to you my guide to being the perfect boyfriend.
Always suggest Thai food: It?s Friday and instead of going to dinner you two want take out. But your girlfriend doesn?t know what she wants. Pizza or Chinese or maybe even that Lebanese spot down the road if we?re feeling adventurous. Here?s a hint. She wants Thai food. I know it. You know it. But she doesn?t want to feel like you two are in the always getting Thai food rut. Preempt the conversation.
?I think we should get Thai food.?
?Really, are you sure??
Nod authoritatively. ?Yea.?
No women is ever upset she ate Thai food.
Know she will always want better kitchen supplies: I own a $150 7? Japanese steel knife that I use for everything: Mincing garlic, butterflying flank steaks, dicing root vegetables. Every couple of months I get it professionally sharpened. I take better care of this knife than I do my dog. Last weekend, I went to Bed, Bath and Beyond with my roommate.
?We don?t have any good knives.?
I looked at her.
?But a knife for like if I want to??
I have no idea how that sentence finished because I walked to another part of the store.
I can do that, but you need to know there is always more and there can always be better. Every women will vehemently deny what I just said, then spend Saturday at HomeGoods seeing what they have in stock. My advice here is common sense doesn?t matter.
We means me: Like in the aforementioned quote ?We don?t have any good knives.? I have a great knife. Also in this BB&B trip I was told ?We don?t have a potato masher.? I don?t have kids to make mashed potatoes for. I am an adult. When I want a potato I will bake it. You can?t take offense to this because it literally does not involve you?or anything that has ever happened in your life?in any fashion. Imagine she said ?I? and it?ll be so much easier to agree.
Champy!: Fun fact: A female has never been upset while drinking champagne. I don?t understand the concept (I drink bourbon whatever my mood), but you?ll never see a woman having some to get over exes or unwind after a bad day at the office. No, champagne (Champs, Champy, The Bubs, et al.) is only consumed while happy. So always keep a bottle on ice. When things get ugly, pour her and you a glass.
?What?s this?? (Wow, can you hear that accusatory tone? It?s not even real. I made it up.)
?We should celebrate. We?re lucky to have each other. That?s always worth a toast.?
Boom. Every argument ever can be ended.
Don?t fight reality: This isn?t a philosophical tome on your being in a relationship. No, it?s about not calling reality television stupid. Don?t say it?s sophomoric. You know how you love sports? Yea? And how you love those mic?d up, behind-the-scenes, 24/7 specials? Reality TV is that for all the things women love: Dating; being married to rich men; forcing your daughter to join a dance troupe; being Persian at a club. It?s the same shit. Watch with a newfound appreciation. Or bitch and continue to think NFL players forget they are on camera and dance after a sack because Britney?s on.
Always keep hummus and baby carrots in the fridge: ?Our reservations aren?t until nine. I know, I?m sorry. It was the earliest I could get.? As you feel that evil hunger stare, walk to your refrigerator and pull out some baby carrots and hummus. ?Here. We can snack on these.? Look how thoughtful?and health-conscious!?you are. But be careful. Don?t buy any hummus brand but Sabra. Women consider everything else inferior. It?s the Tampax of hummus.
Pretend you aren?t hungover: ?You are probably going to drink. A lot. At night. And sometimes that will coincide with things your girlfriend wants to do. Ugh. But being hungover for these fun canal hikes she planned is literally an affront, like you were never interested to begin with. So just fake it. It?s hard to be chipper, so if you need to, overdose on Advil and Red Bull. Yea, your heart and liver may give out in the long-term, but don?t you want to keep your girlfriend through the weekend? Relationships are all about sacrifice.
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Source: http://meetinggirlsonmetro.com/blog1/2013/02/28/how-to-be-the-perfect-boyfriend/
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